You forget how hard it is. We don’t experience it often, and this is the first time I’ve felt bereft as a real true adult with a family. I thought grief just meant missing someone and wishing they could be around, but it’s so much more than that. It’s the closing of a chapter of my life. My parents are no longer getting on in years… they’re old. They’re taking the place of the previous generation. I’m stepping into their shoes, which means I’m seriously middle-aged. I’m my Mom. From when I was a kid. And she seemed so adult, she seemed to really have her shit together. I definitely don’t feel that way, which either means I need to get my shit together, or Mom never had it together in the first place. Which is a scary thought. Either way, I’m growing up whether I like it or not.
My Mom is really hurting. I wish I could be close to support her. I wish I could console her in some way. And I am thinking about how it will feel to lose my parents, to never have that comfort of mother again. That sounds awful. No wonder she’s a wreck. I will be, too, which sucks. What a cruel trick of fate that the ones we love the most hurt the most when we lose them.
I’m hurting. I can’t get out of the house on time. I forget stuff. Everything seems overwhelming. I want to be around people, but I don’t want to talk. I am not hungry, but I need to eat. I’m up to sitting at the table and marathoning Supernatural. That’s about it. Being responsible for getting everything together for school (we’re still adjusting), for helping my highly sensitive children through the insanity of choosing clothes, figuring out dinner, or discussing important things like bills. Our car is messed up again, which is just beyond my ability to function! I have so much to write and say, but I sit down and the wind goes out of me.
I can see why people used to dress in black when bereaved, because then it lets everyone know that you are in a bad place and need compassion without inquisition, a little leeway on things like timeliness and decision-making, and copious coffee and chocolate. But, people don’t like talking about sad stuff like this, so maybe it’s just as well that we don’t advertise grief because we’d probably see a lot of people wearing black and be bummed out all the time. But this is me being a bummer.