Robin’s hair color is changing. When she was born, she had a crown of reddish brown hair, just like her Dad.
I love how father and daughter have the same haircolor and hairSTYLE here!
That all fell out pretty fast, and in grew white blond hair as fine as dandelion fluff.
One of the first questions people ask me when they see me with the girls (other than “twins??”) is “Where’d the blonde come from?”
Yes, we know who the mother is.
But this summer I’ve noticed a dark underlayer coming in beneath her platinum, shoulder length hair. In fact, lately, when I wash it, her hair looks positively like zebra stripes. I’ve found patches of hair that are blond at the tip and honey brown or dark brown halfway to the root.
Hair in transition.
You can see how sun-bleached the ends are, and how dark the roots are coming in.
I find this fascinating. Who’d have thought? By her fifth birthday, she could have brown hair. Maybe dark brown, like my Mom, who she strongly resembles. Maybe she’ll spend her whole life a brunette, and this early blonde period will be an anomaly, something to ooh and ahh over in photo albums (or photo… pods. Whatever we use in the future.).
But I’ve only ever known a blonde Robin.
This has reminded me of a different, but related topic: using my kids’ real names in this blog. A few bloggers I admire (Mama Pundit; Small Things Grow) recently announced that they were going to discuss their kids in less detail, and use pseudonyms. Welcome to the Motherhood uses pseudonyms, too.
I used to find pseudonyms a bit asinine. What’s the point? I thought. How long can you refer to your child as Baby Beanie or Mister T or whatever goofy nickname you picked? Are you really protecting your child’s privacy by using a fake name for them when your real name is pretty obvious? Look at Dooce: she even tells you her kids’ middle names.
But I’m feeling more and more weird about just straight up writing about my kids, using their real names, and acting like I have that right. I know my kids are super young, so they really have no way of understanding this or participating in some kind of consent. I know a lot of bloggers with bigger kids go through a stage where it’s unclear if the kid is ok with it, the parents asks, bla bla bla. But I feel like I need to make it clear to my readers — to myself — to Robin, someday down the line, that I have never felt like her story was mine to tell. (Holly, too. Hi, Holly!) That I don’t feel like I own her story.
A lot of people will say that I’m the Mom and I know her best, but really I know her second best. She knows herself and her life best. Hell, I might even be running a distant third, because Holly and Robin spend all day, every day together right now, and I only get a few slim hours in the evening or at breakfast. Robin’s brown hair reminded me that I really have no idea what’s going to come for her, that she has a whole inner life that I’m not privy to, that the older she gets, the less completely I’ll be a part of her world. That’s a little sad, but it’s also appropriate. I mean, my Mom knows me, but she doesn’t know me. She knows a special, Mom version of me. The me I am for her. And that’s kind of what’s happening with my kids.
So I’m thinking of using pseudonyms for my kids. Other than the possibility that it might afford them a little more privacy, I like the idea that it would symbolize that I’m writing about a me version of my children: that the 4 year old who draws Rapunzel obsessively and sings “867-BUTT-309!!” in the bathtub is the kid I know and love, but that her representation here is not the whole story to her, or of her, and it never will be.
What do you think? Is there a point to kid pseudonyms? WWYD?
I’m with you in the pseudonyms are asinine camp. Initials feel more honest, but using them still gives the kids some “privacy.” You could also have your blog available by subscription only, so strangers don’t read it. Ultimately though, you are chronicling your path, your relationships, your view of the world and passage through it. Your kids are a big part of that. I don’t see anything wrong with writing what you know, any more than there is anything wrong with Sally Mann’s photographs of her kids, or Anne Lamott writing about being a parent. But some people would see their writing as vampiric, stealing their material from the lives of their children…
Right… I don’t feel like I’m being vampiric, but I do want to strike some kind of balance. Initials might work…
I have been on the internet a long time. I have watched technology and the internet develop. In nearly two decades I have seen the very best of humanity, and I have seen the very worst. I have met incredibly kind and wonderful people online. I once had an internet stalker that scared the heebiejeebies out of me. In my online meanderings I met a guy (E.M.S.)who had two daughters. I never understood why the girls had Japanese names until I read a blog post of his maybe 10 years ago. He explained that he knew what was on the internet and being a programmer he had a pretty good idea where it was headed and what kind of privacy issues it could create for people. He and his wife chose to never use their daughter’s real names on the internet for their physical safety as well their internet privacy. He sited that if a stranger approached the girls and called them by their Japanese names then the girls would know that this isn’t actually a real life friend of mom and dad.
We decided long before we got pregnant that we would do the same thing. Close personal friends and family members know Penny’s real name, and she knows that Penny is only used online.
Subsequently when this man’s eldest daughter turned 16 she asked to not be referred by her Japanese name any longer. He and his wife figured that she was old enough and so started using her real name. Honestly part of me misses the anonymity of internet days past. We still try to maintain some amount of privacy. We are careful what webpages we link to which email addresses. My FB, G+, and LJ accounts do not have general public access, and I am very careful about pictures that I post of Penny online. I know some moms that refer to their kids as kid 1,2, or 3, or by their first initial “J did this today” and some moms that don’t post any pictures of their kids’ faces. I think it’s a personal thing. How much of our child’s life are you willing to share with the world in general? How safe to you feel in sharing that information? Its all situational. My way may not be the right way for you and E.M.S.’s way may not be right for you and maybe not for me either.
Steph,
I remember this when Penny was born! It’s interesting that your friend changed his policy. I’d think you’d become more paranoid, rather than less, over time. Ah well. I’m thinking about it still. I’m leaning in the direction of fewer pics and such, but want to strike a balance (because pics are fun!).
L.
Well you already know what I would do, but this was a beautiful post expressing your journey. How we all struggle with watching our children grow and letting go of them a little at a time. Now it feels like a very natural time to switch to pseudonyms.
And let’s not gloss over this fact: all pseudonyms are not created equal. I am not a big fan of using initials – it feels impersonal when the point of using a name rather than “my daughter” is to create a level of familiarity. Spend a little time writing fake posts with the new name and see if it’s something you can live with. We will live with whatever decision you make.
Yeah, I hear you on all of this. I’m toying with a few name ideas that might not feel totally weird. They’d be actual names, not Pinky and Dinky or something.
This is something I’ve thought about quite a bit. I was actually much more into pseudonyms before I had kids — not so much with myself, but I gave one to pretty much every single person I referred to in my early online journalling days (2001-2003 or 2004). I don’t think about this so much with my LJ because it’s pretty locked down, but my public blog is different.
I started it, though, with the idea that it would give me an easy way to keep our long-distance family members updated on our kids (kid, when I began writing) and our general goings-on. I never thought it would necessarily gain much of a readership, and it still doesn’t REALLY have much of one; it’s just another place for me to write and experiment with different audiences. Over the years, I think it’s evolved a bit in that I don’t only write about our kids, and I think it will continue to do that. I’ve never really thought of it as my daughter’s blog or my son’s blog, but it is about my experiences as a mother/wife/teacher/whatever. I haven’t posted pictures there in a long time, and I think I’m going to continue to NOT post pictures of the kids in public. (Plus I suck at doing that anyway.) And also, I definitely think the way in which I write about them — and how much I share — will change as they grow older. But using pseudonyms in that space just doesn’t feel right for me. (Not that I can’t see why some people do it.)
Even dooce has pulled back significantly from writing about her older daughter in a public forum, which I totally get and respect.
I am so all over the place about this. I just don’t know. I have typed and erased like 10 paragraphs in this box. I just. don’t. know.
I do think, now that I’m thinking about it, that it’s more about safety than identity for me, if I really push myself to think about it. But my name is here. So.
In summary: I have nothing helpful to say. Also, ugh.
Tough one! When I started blogging, I used only initials for myself, my spouse, and later my daughter. For some reason though, I felt ok with disclosing my dog’s name. Sorry, Indie. The medium of blogging was new to me and my husband and it felt “safe” to not give our full names, location, etc away.
I was also deeply rooted in academia and didn’t want professors or students googling my name and finding my personal blog.
Now, as I’m continuing to build an online presence as a freelance writer and editor, I have to disclose my name (kinda awkward otherwise) and have even disclosed more about my location. But I still use initials to refer to my daughter and husband and even to myself on the blog out of habit, routine, etc. It also still feels somewhat more “safe” that way, although it’s likely just an illusion.
The whole online persona/information disclosure is a game that’s constantly changing and always leaving me with more questions than answers. So I’ll be curious to see how you continue to navigate these waters.
S.
Regarding anonymity, I think it’s useful to think about which connection you’re looking to obfuscate, the one from your blog persona to your real-world identity or vice-versa.
For instance, when I comment on blogs or write anything on the internet, I use a pseudonym. That’s not because I care about people here knowing who I am–my pseudonym’s a combination of my first and last initial and middle name; it’s not providing a lot of cover. But what I do care about is what shows up when someone does a basic search starting from my real name.
In general, what I’d like to avoid is all my blog comments popping up when someone (like a future employer) googles my real name. As it stands, someone would have to do a moderate amount of poking around to find a connection running that direction, while it’s fairly easy to connect “TWAndrews” with my real name.
I can see it being worthwhile to use pseudonyms for kids as they get a bit older, particularly because their friends/classmates will most likely use their real names as a jumping off point for seeing what the internet has to say about them.